Deeper still...

God is taking me to deeper levels. It is an interesting thing to experience. I'm always amazed at how He reinforces His message/lesson to me through His Word, other people, and things I read.

I've got a ton of things going through my mind, but haven't been able to put them into cogent, coherent thoughts. Hopefully, I'll have something of value to share soon. :)

Change is in the air...

Have you ever had a sense that things are about to change? Well, I'm having that feeling right now. The question is this - is it just a wish or desire I have that things in my life would change because I want that or is the Holy Spirit giving me a heads up about future events? I feel restless, a little dissatisfied and very watchful, but I don't really know what is happening. Either way - I'm going to get ready.

If what I'm feeling is simply a desire I have, then that means I might make decisions that will bring about change. This could be good or bad - so I need to make sure I'm listening to God and being obedient to His will in my life.

On the other hand, if what I'm feeling is the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart, then I need to be prepared to deal with whatever is coming up. That also means being able to hear what God is saying and be obedient to His will.

The truth is, regardless of where the "feeling" is coming from, I realize I just need to trust God, listen to what He is saying and be obedient.

Something else I realized yesterday is this - I don't know as much as I think I do. Duh! It is easy to make assumptions about things when you are looking from one perspective, but that can be dangerous and lead to bad decisions. So, that's why I'm trying to be real cautious when it comes to this feeling of change. I'm only looking at things from what I see and know; God can see the whole picture, so I'm going to turn to Him for direction.

I only wish that trusting God - completely - wasn't such a struggle for me.

Passion for God

I heard a sermon the other day in which the speaker asked the audience, "What are you passionate about?" She said that one way you could tell is to think about what it is that keeps you awake at night. What is the last thing on your mind when you go to sleep? I was so convicted by her words.

Most nights, even though God isn't far from my thoughts (because I'm usually talking to Him about my problems), He isn't usually the center of my thoughts. I can't remember the last time I laid awake, thinking about how good God is or how awesome He is. In fact, here lately, there haven't been many times where I have been consumed just by thoughts of God - I'm usually consumed with going to Him to help me in a desperate situation - more than likely one of my own creation!

I want that to change. I want God to be my focus. I want to be consumed by thoughts of who He is, and how great He is, how wonderful, and gracious, and mighty He is. So what I find myself doing these days is this: when I'm overwhelmed by that issue or issues that want to steal my joy and my focus from Christ, I'm choosing to concentrate on Him. It's not easy. There usually ends up being a back and forth struggle in my thoughts. But it sure is beginning to get easier to dwell on God and His greatness instead of the situation over which I have no control.

There is a song I've recently come to love. It is by Shane Barnard of "Shane & Shane". I really like their musical style. This song is especially relevant to this topic.

yearn
by shane barnard

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek and find my God
my God

Lord i want to yearn for You
i want to burn with passion
over You and only You
Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
through Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

acts 17:25-28, hebrews 12:28-29

Firebird

Here is a picture of my kite in flight!!

I'm glad March is almost over!

This has been a busy month. First I took a trip to Fort Worth - loved it, and can't wait to go back - and now I'm in LA - Lower Alabama, that is! :) I'm here for a staff retreat. Don't feel jealous - it's a working retreat - but we do have some free time tomorrow. I can't wait - I'm going to the beach to fly my kite! A friend gave me two kites for Christmas - they're big...the one I brought with me has a wing span of about 48" (I think) and it looks like a huge bird. It's really pretty. :) Anyway, I hope there is a really good breeze. I want it to fly for quite a while. :)

I'm tired - so I'm off to bed!

Confession

Ok, I changed my mind. Actually, God convicted me and I had to change my mind. I un-subscribed from eHarmony. The main reason I did was because I didn't actually talk to God about my decision to join up - it was an impulsive decision.

The whole focus of my life is to honor and please God, and one way I want to do that is through my finances. That is the main reason I had to un-subscribe. I didn't really have the money to spend on it - joining eHarmony is not a "necessity" right now. There may come a day when I have the extra funds to do it again, but for now, I'm out. :)

The other reason I cancelled, as I mentioned, was because I made an impulsive decision. There were a lot of thoughts working in my mind that led me to do it, and after a couple of days of reflection, I realized my motivation wasn't right. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I was in it for the wrong reasons.

So, I'm back "off the market" - so to speak. Well, actually, I guess I'm not. As long as I'm trusting God, He will bring the right person into my life at just the right time. I can't wait to see how He works that all out. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to focus my attention on knowing God and allowing Him to direct my life as He sees fit. At the moment - He is opening some really cool doors, and I'm excited by what He is doing. There are going to be some awesome things happening - I just know it!

Oops, I did it again!

Ok, "oops" might not be the right thing to say. I knew full well what I was doing when I did it. I have joined eHarmony again...put myself "back on the market" so to speak...but just for six months. I'm excited to see who I might get the opportunity to meet.

The last time I was a member of eHarmony I was matched with a bunch of guys, but only met (face to face) two of them - one guy lives in the same town and is now engaged to another woman. He is a really nice guy and we are friends. (Hi, Al!) I'm excited for him and his fiancee. The other guy I just met for the first time last year (after talking off and on for 2 years). It seemed like it might work out well, but things just kind of fizzled out. I'm still puzzled over it.

Anyway, I felt like it was time to move on, but more importantly, I need the distraction. It will be fun to get new "matches" and have the opportunity to meet some guys. Even though there's an underlying thought of "Maybe I'll meet The One!", the truth is, I've only ever seen eHarmony as a way to meet and make new friends. (After all, aren't you supposed to be friends first?!?) The church I attend is not laden with single men and because of several commitments in my life, I don't have much opportunity to get out to meet guys (I DO NOT go to bars and the like - those are just not places I'd want to meet someone.)

The other thing is this - I truly am not "looking" for Mr. Right. I read an article on Crosswalk.com the other day that really spoke to me. The author of the article suggested that it is the guy's job to find a wife. The Bible says that "he who finds a wife finds a good thing..." (Proverbs 18:22) So what I'm doing right now is working on being the best "me" I can be. I am becoming the woman God has called me to be. I do believe that if I focus my attention on God and His plans for my life, He will allow my path to cross with the man who will be my husband. I'm just putting myself in a new "walkway" by joining up on eHarmony. :) Hehehe.

Seriously though - it is going to be fun. I am looking forward to the new friendships I will form. Who knows, I might need to meet one of these guys not for myself, but for one of my other single girlfriends! (I have a bunch of them!) How cool would that be?!?

Dry spell

I hate when this happens. I seem to get quiet when I'm not hearing a lot from God. (Of course, I was out of town for five days, but that's neither here nor there!) Things are quiet right now from Him, too. I'm still hearing "WAIT". *sigh* I don't like it, but I'm trying to get to the place where I enjoy the waiting.

You know, the other day I made a comment to myself about someone....that he is all about the "destination" - getting where he's going - and not the journey and that he was going to miss some things along the way. Turns out, I am guilty of doing the same thing. It's so easy to point fingers, isn't it? I didn't think that I was doing that, but all day today I've been struggling with myself over a certain issue - I want to know how it is all going to turn out. Basically, I want to get to the destination...the end result. Of course, as my focus remains on that end point, I'm sure there is plenty that is passing right on by me. I'm sure what I'm missing most is the still, small voice of God calling out to me, which I don't hear well because of my own moaning and complaining. God, forgive me!

So the immediate result of my lack of focus is that I am not living that abundant life I wrote about in my last post. It is my own fault - no one else's. I'm just glad God is getting through so that I can re-focus my attention and live in that abundant life He has planned for me.

Living with abandon

"I have come that they might have life, and have it more abundantly." John 10:10

I love the fact that God is a persistent lover of my soul. So many things are becoming clear to me, but what is shouting out to me from reviewing my thoughts and feelings and ideas is the fact that God is pursuing me! "O Love that will not let me go." I've heard that many times and always felt like I didn't get it - and I didn't - until now. He is so awesome! He does not leave me alone - and I am glad. So very glad.

The thoughs my pastor shared with us today seem to just fit right in with the lesson of my life - trusting God. He was talking about what is required to realize miracles in our lives and used the example of Peter praying for Tabitha (Acts 9) and her coming back to life. He made several points, but the one that really spoke to me was this: Peter took a chance. After he had cleared the room of everyone, and remembered what he had seen Jesus do, Peter took a chance and did exactly as Christ did. He probably had thoughts like: "What will happen if this doesn't work?" "What will people think?" "Jesus, don't fail me now!" But it didn't stop him from going ahead and uttering the words, "Tabitha, get up!" The result was this - a woman was raised from the dead.

The whole idea of "taking a chance" has been something hovering around the edges of my consciousness for a while. I touched on it a bit in my previous post. Today it has become clear to me that the people who take chances are usually the ones who may fail big, but they more than likely "make it" big. They accomplish miracles. They see amazing things. They live life with abandon. No holds barred. Life is never dull for these people. I want to be and have that.

As I was driving home from church, I was reminded by the Holy Spirit that I've often prayed for a marriage that is above average - something special and not ordinary. What I was really praying for (and didn't realize it until now) was that I want a life (not just a marriage) that is above average....extraordinary. I don't want the run-of-the-mill life. I want that abundant life Christ talks about. I want to live with total and complete abandon.

So beginning today, I am deciding to choose the options that lead to a life of wild abandon in Christ. I know I can trust my heavenly Father to be there with me. In fact, He'll be there running beside me. He'll be the one running ahead of me, calling out to me to "come this way!" He'll play "hide and seek" with me so that I will continue to search for Him - but I know I will find Him, because He's told me so. This will probably mean my decisions will drive people crazy. They won't understand or they'll tell me I'm making a wrong choice. It won't matter. My life is in God's hands - not theirs. I trust Him.

Here's to living with abandon....I'm believing it will be an interesting experience!

Trusting God

For the first time, I really feel like I actually shared something of real value with the kids in my youth group. Our topic tonight was trusting God - the apparant object lesson of my life for the past six months. I guess that's why I feel like I actually did some good tonight. I really connected - I could tell it in the eyes of one of the kids. Do you know how awesome it is to see a teenager wrestling with the great truths of God's Word and how to apply those truths to their lives? Wow...I'm still amazed that God wants to use me for this.

I just love how God makes Himself known to me - even more - when I share with others the lessons I've learned. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned, came from my best friend - we usually know the answer to the question we're dealing with way deep down inside, but it sometimes doesn't come to the surface until we are talking to someone else about it. That sort of thing happened for me tonight.

I told the group that it isn't enough to simply say we trust - there has to be action behind it. Our scripture reference was Mark 2:1-11 - the story of the four men who dug through the roof to get their paralyzed friend to Jesus. They didn't just tell their friend, "Hey man, Jesus can heal you! I believe it, and you should too!!" No, they did whatever it took to get him to Jesus. They didn't let excuses stop them - "If we break their roof, how are we going to fix it?" "How in the world are we going to get him up to the roof - I'm not strong enough?" "What will these people think?" They did WHATEVER IT TOOK to get that man to Jesus. I posed the question to my youth, "What are you willing to do to get to Jesus for your answer?" Of course, as I'm challenging them, the Holy Spirit is working in me. Many of my struggles from the past few weeks, suddenly dimmed or disappeared in the light of that question. "What am I willing to do to get to Jesus and trust Him for my answer?" Am I willing to bear pain, sorrow, a lack of understanding the circumstances I'm in, fear of the unknown, or even a fear that I won't get what I want? Isn't that last one a crazy question? "....that I won't get what I want?" Don't I want God's will for my life? And if so, don't I trust that scripture in Jeremiah 29 that says His plans are "not to harm me" but "to give me a future and a hope"?

This past week has definitely been a soul-searching one. I absolutely trust God with every aspect of my life. Have for some time. It's just that now I'm having to put some action with that faith and walk out that trust minute by minute. It hasn't been easy, and it is by no means over, but already I can see that God is working in me. I believe I will be stronger and more sure in my faith-walk. Perhaps I will need that confidence and strength for another day, and it will be exactly what I need because it was tried in the fire of today.

How Great is Our God

song by Chris Tomlin

The splendor of a King
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

Chorus-
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Bridge-
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

I love this song. God makes Himself known to me in new ways each day. I have learned much about knowing Him and just being with Him over the past three weeks. Even though circumstances aren't any different, and I still don't know the outcome of things, I KNOW He is in control and has everything in hand.

I can't imagine trying to live without God's presence in my life.

Real Christians

I read a post on Irene's page that was really good.

I wish more Christians knew how to be real.

I'm getting better...

At hearing God's voice.

All day yesterday, and most of today, I was wrestling over a situation in my life. I just wanted answers to some questions. Of course, I wanted said answers "right now"!

Now, I've been down this road several times already (a couple of times in the past two weeks, as a matter of fact!) This road has a name...it's called "Waiting Way". God repeatedly reminds me to "be still and know that I am God." I think I've got the "know that I am God" part down, it's that "be still" part that trips me up. On second thought, maybe I don't have the first part down - if I did, then it would be easy to be still. Right? Hmmm.....something to think about, that's for sure.

Anyway, the reason for my struggle was because I was trying to figure out the resolution to the situation. How, when, and where it was going to be resolved. I had taken the reins, again, and was trying to figure out what's going to happen. (I don't know why I do this - it always causes me trouble!) Instead of simply trusting God with the situation, I was trying to control it - in my mind at least. (Fortunately, I hadn't acted on any of my thoughts and "plans"!)

So today, I'm chatting online with a friend when all of a sudden, as I'm typing a response to her, God shows me clearly that my struggle has been me. I was thinking it was the situation and circumstances, but in reality, I simply had picked the thing back up and God hadn't told me I could. I clearly heard Him speak to my heart - "Are you going to give me the time I need to take care of this?" Yikes! I immediately said, "YES! I don't want to get ahead of you, God! Please, take all the time you need to work in this situation - just give me what I need as I wait on You!" It was amazing the peace and calm that came over me. I always know when I'm walking in God's will - the inner turmoil stops and incredible peace overwhelms me.

I just wish I would always keep myself here in this place. That I would never doubt or wonder "when" or "how" or "where" or even "why" when I know what He has already spoken to me.

*sigh*

I do think, however, that I am learning to hear God more quickly than before and therefore I don't struggle quite as long. I just hope I keep getting better at hearing the Father's voice! I'm sure going to try!

Open doors

I am continuously amazed at how God blesses me. There are so many doors opening to me these days. Just when it looked like a major door was slamming shut, He has stepped right in and is carrying me in a different direction. How awesome is our God? I can't wait to see where He takes me. It will be good if I will just stay out of the way.

There is an inner struggle still taking place. I wish I could just switch some thoughts and feelings off. I know that waiting on God is the best action, but sometimes I just allow myself to get ahead of Him and ask, "Ok, when will it be over?" or "How long will it take to get an answer!??!" One thing I know, His timing is always just right. Even when it seems like it is almost too late. :) I just have to remind myself of what I know - what the Word says about God and what I know from my own personal relationship with Him. I know it is all going to be ok.

In other news - I'll be going to Fort Worth in a week and a half. I'm so excited! I'll be meeting up with some new friends and attending a conference that will be an incredible experience. I can hardly wait! If anyone has some suggestions of what is fun to do there - you know some hole-in-the-wall restaurants that are a MUST or places to visit that I shouldn't miss - please let me know! I bought a city map of Fort Worth today and another booklet of things to see in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

I was in Dallas about 15 years ago for a youth conference. All I remember is the hotel we stayed in - it has the rotating restaurant right next to it (I think it was a Peachtree Hotel then) and going by the "Grassy Knoll". We didn't get to linger too long, but it was neat to be in a place where a major historical event happened. I may try to get back over there to look around. It will be different now that I'm 31 instead of 16 - especially since I have a much more in depth knowledge of history and politics. I've always loved history.

Anyway, I'm so excited about my trip. It will be a neat vacation for me and a very interesting experience. I'll be the only person there that I know well! :) Ahhh....another opportunity for growth....step outside of what I know...live on the edge a bit. :) I can hardly wait!

Your love is amazing...

Hallelujah (Your Love Makes Me Sing)
Brenton Brown, Brian Doerksen

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me
When I am surrounded, your love carries me

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see you, all your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me

Yes, you make me sing
Lord, you make me sing, sing, sing
How you make me sing

I love this song. Today it is my song and my heart. Today, God's love is enough.

Woohoo!!!

Still learning

"And Solomon, my son, get to know the God of your ancestors. Worship and serve him with your whole heart and with a willing mind. For the LORD sees every heart and understands and knows every plan and thought. If you seek him, you will find him. But if you forsake him, he will reject you forever." 1 Chronicles 28:9

"If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me." Jeremiah 29:13

This is becoming so real to me right now. He truly does what He says - but watch out - when you invite Him in, He will leave no stone un-turned.

My heart's desire is to know Christ like I've never known Him before. I didn't realize how much of "me" was still in the way. It has been a little bit painful, but just like getting a shot when you've got an infection - when He starts to work, relief is almost immediate. It is truly amazing.

I can't wait to see what else is on my horizon. I feel like God is up to something big, so we will just have to see what that is! All I know is that I love Him more than anything - and I believe I can at last say that without any doubt.

Instant fix

I've come to realize that when I'm in the midst of a struggle, I want God to fix it "right now!" "Get me out of this, God!! It hurts too much!" I'm learning, that it doesn't work that way. Sometimes He wants me to learn something from my experiences.

I read this today in an article from Dr. Charles Stanely on www.crosswalk.com:

It's important that we face and endure the challenges God lays before us. When we seek an early escape, we cheat ourselves of what God wants to do in our lives. In addition, we cheat others of an example of hope and encouragement.

I don't like being uncomfortable. I strongly dislike not knowing how situations will be resolved. I hate it when things don't happen the way I dreamed they would. That's what I get for trying to figure out what God is doing. I can't do that anymore. (But we'll just see how long it takes before I do it again!)

The other thing I'm wrestling with is this - what I feel God is telling me to do (in a particular situation) goes against my natural inclination and the advice of close, trusted friends (not all of them, though). The thing that I want to do would certainly put an end to the situation, but I keep hearing in the back of my mind - what if you find out down the road that it would have been different had you simply waited? Yikes!!!

So the question becomes, am I going to try and "escape" this current challenge or am I going to be willing to wait on God and see what He is trying to accomplish - in me and possibly in the other person?

You see, the one thing that I know without a doubt is that God has been involved in this situation from the very beginning. Yesterday, I was doubting everything I believed He had shown me and even questioned my own ability to hear the voice of God. So today, I had to make a choice - am I going to go by what I see with my eyes or am I really going to trust God?

There are two things He's told me over and over again in the past year: "Do you trust Me?"....yes, God....then, "Be still and know that I am God." So that is what I am going to do. Will it be easy? Looking from where I stand right now - not at all. Will He accomplish something great in it? Without a doubt! The fun will be in watching Him work His will. But when I think that my experiences will benefit someone else - I'm inclined to think it will all be worth it.

Struggling through

Let me ask a question - why is the knowledge that God is working things out (and He is concerned with every aspect of my life) not enough to get through the emotions and reality of today? Does anyone else ever struggle with this? I know that He is moving and working in my life, and yet for some reason it isn't enough in this moment when doubt and fear are trying to grab hold of me.

For the past week, I have been trying to live out the idea that "God is enough." If I have Him, then all is well. I've been trying to know what it means to be satisfied with God - not just depend on the happy feelings or emotion of my experiences surrounding God in my life. I'm not sure I even understand how to go about being satisfied with just Him, or even what that really means...but I'm trying. I'm seeking and asking and expect Him to show me.

I just want to know how to make my feelings and emotions agree with what I know and believe in my mind. If someone figures that out, would you let me know?

How much am I willing to risk?

Today, I read the following in a devotional I'm working through ("A Heart That Dances" by Catherine Martin). It is from a prayer written by A.W. Tozer:

"Let me stand before the great or minister to the poor and lowly; that choice is not mine, and I would not influence it if I could. I am Thy servant to do Thy will, and that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame, and I choose it above all things on earth or in heaven."

Wow. What a statement. "..that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame, and I choose it above all things..."

I've realized that although I have surrendered all of my life to Christ, there is still that part of me that wants my life to work out a certain way. And, of course, without serious pain or suffering. I mean - don't I deserve that?

Yep. There it is - arrogance and pride. I guess I never realized that I had those feelings...that I deserved anything other than what God chooses to allow in my life. It has been a startling revelation to me.

I'm dealing with a situation in my life that is not the easiest thing I've ever experienced. I'm sure it won't be the worst. It has been easy to see the wrong in the other person, but God is now showing me my own attitude that needs dealing with. "I deserve better than that." Although it may be true, that is for God to deal with in this situation. The truth is, I deserve much worse than I get, but it is only because of God's mercy that I don't.

One of the guys I work with had a statement taped to his computer monitor once. It said this, "For the sake of Christ, if I will put myself in last place, then I won't be hurt when others put me there."

So the question is, how much am I willing to risk? How much of my pride, feelings, and expectations am I willing to place on the line to be in the perfect will of God? Will I go places I wouldn't have normally chosen for myself and associate with people I wouldn't pick out of a crowd? Will I be willing to love those who persecute me? Will I be willing to totally sacrifice myself and my desires so that someone else can know the God of heaven and earth and have a relationship with Him?

Hard questions, to be sure. Right now, I'm working on answering them for myself.

When I was a child...

I used to wonder why it was that God wouldn't give me just a glimpse into my future. "Why can't you give me just a hint of what's to come?"

Now I know that God is truly infinite in His wisdom.

As I get older, even though there are many times I wish for that hint of future plans, I'm learning to appreciate the surprise of living life. On the other side of that coin, when things don't go the way I would have planned, I'm grateful that I had no clue the rough times were coming. It's hard enough to deal with pain and uncertainty when it comes. I can't imagine trying to deal with knowing: on such-and-such day, xyz is going to happen and you will respond thus-and-so.

I find myself again in a holding pattern of waiting and trusting in God. It's not the worst place in the world. I keep reminding myself and telling Jesus that if I can just have Him....if I can just dwell in His presence, everything will be ok. He is all I need. Like the woman with the issue of blood, if I can just touch Him, I'll be whole. My heart longs to know Him deeper and for that reason alone, I am glad for this current trial.

The good news is this - I am absolutely certain that Jesus is right here with me and is working all things for my good. I look forward, with great anticipation, to what blessings He will bring into my life. I can't wait to see how He will work. More importantly, I can't wait to see the finished product in me that can reach out and help someone else. If I have to experience these things to be a blessing to someone else - so be it!

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

I thank God for what He is doing!