Passion for God

I heard a sermon the other day in which the speaker asked the audience, "What are you passionate about?" She said that one way you could tell is to think about what it is that keeps you awake at night. What is the last thing on your mind when you go to sleep? I was so convicted by her words.

Most nights, even though God isn't far from my thoughts (because I'm usually talking to Him about my problems), He isn't usually the center of my thoughts. I can't remember the last time I laid awake, thinking about how good God is or how awesome He is. In fact, here lately, there haven't been many times where I have been consumed just by thoughts of God - I'm usually consumed with going to Him to help me in a desperate situation - more than likely one of my own creation!

I want that to change. I want God to be my focus. I want to be consumed by thoughts of who He is, and how great He is, how wonderful, and gracious, and mighty He is. So what I find myself doing these days is this: when I'm overwhelmed by that issue or issues that want to steal my joy and my focus from Christ, I'm choosing to concentrate on Him. It's not easy. There usually ends up being a back and forth struggle in my thoughts. But it sure is beginning to get easier to dwell on God and His greatness instead of the situation over which I have no control.

There is a song I've recently come to love. It is by Shane Barnard of "Shane & Shane". I really like their musical style. This song is especially relevant to this topic.

yearn
by shane barnard

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek and find my God
my God

Lord i want to yearn for You
i want to burn with passion
over You and only You
Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
through Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

acts 17:25-28, hebrews 12:28-29

Firebird

Here is a picture of my kite in flight!!

I'm glad March is almost over!

This has been a busy month. First I took a trip to Fort Worth - loved it, and can't wait to go back - and now I'm in LA - Lower Alabama, that is! :) I'm here for a staff retreat. Don't feel jealous - it's a working retreat - but we do have some free time tomorrow. I can't wait - I'm going to the beach to fly my kite! A friend gave me two kites for Christmas - they're big...the one I brought with me has a wing span of about 48" (I think) and it looks like a huge bird. It's really pretty. :) Anyway, I hope there is a really good breeze. I want it to fly for quite a while. :)

I'm tired - so I'm off to bed!

Confession

Ok, I changed my mind. Actually, God convicted me and I had to change my mind. I un-subscribed from eHarmony. The main reason I did was because I didn't actually talk to God about my decision to join up - it was an impulsive decision.

The whole focus of my life is to honor and please God, and one way I want to do that is through my finances. That is the main reason I had to un-subscribe. I didn't really have the money to spend on it - joining eHarmony is not a "necessity" right now. There may come a day when I have the extra funds to do it again, but for now, I'm out. :)

The other reason I cancelled, as I mentioned, was because I made an impulsive decision. There were a lot of thoughts working in my mind that led me to do it, and after a couple of days of reflection, I realized my motivation wasn't right. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I was in it for the wrong reasons.

So, I'm back "off the market" - so to speak. Well, actually, I guess I'm not. As long as I'm trusting God, He will bring the right person into my life at just the right time. I can't wait to see how He works that all out. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to focus my attention on knowing God and allowing Him to direct my life as He sees fit. At the moment - He is opening some really cool doors, and I'm excited by what He is doing. There are going to be some awesome things happening - I just know it!

Oops, I did it again!

Ok, "oops" might not be the right thing to say. I knew full well what I was doing when I did it. I have joined eHarmony again...put myself "back on the market" so to speak...but just for six months. I'm excited to see who I might get the opportunity to meet.

The last time I was a member of eHarmony I was matched with a bunch of guys, but only met (face to face) two of them - one guy lives in the same town and is now engaged to another woman. He is a really nice guy and we are friends. (Hi, Al!) I'm excited for him and his fiancee. The other guy I just met for the first time last year (after talking off and on for 2 years). It seemed like it might work out well, but things just kind of fizzled out. I'm still puzzled over it.

Anyway, I felt like it was time to move on, but more importantly, I need the distraction. It will be fun to get new "matches" and have the opportunity to meet some guys. Even though there's an underlying thought of "Maybe I'll meet The One!", the truth is, I've only ever seen eHarmony as a way to meet and make new friends. (After all, aren't you supposed to be friends first?!?) The church I attend is not laden with single men and because of several commitments in my life, I don't have much opportunity to get out to meet guys (I DO NOT go to bars and the like - those are just not places I'd want to meet someone.)

The other thing is this - I truly am not "looking" for Mr. Right. I read an article on Crosswalk.com the other day that really spoke to me. The author of the article suggested that it is the guy's job to find a wife. The Bible says that "he who finds a wife finds a good thing..." (Proverbs 18:22) So what I'm doing right now is working on being the best "me" I can be. I am becoming the woman God has called me to be. I do believe that if I focus my attention on God and His plans for my life, He will allow my path to cross with the man who will be my husband. I'm just putting myself in a new "walkway" by joining up on eHarmony. :) Hehehe.

Seriously though - it is going to be fun. I am looking forward to the new friendships I will form. Who knows, I might need to meet one of these guys not for myself, but for one of my other single girlfriends! (I have a bunch of them!) How cool would that be?!?

Dry spell

I hate when this happens. I seem to get quiet when I'm not hearing a lot from God. (Of course, I was out of town for five days, but that's neither here nor there!) Things are quiet right now from Him, too. I'm still hearing "WAIT". *sigh* I don't like it, but I'm trying to get to the place where I enjoy the waiting.

You know, the other day I made a comment to myself about someone....that he is all about the "destination" - getting where he's going - and not the journey and that he was going to miss some things along the way. Turns out, I am guilty of doing the same thing. It's so easy to point fingers, isn't it? I didn't think that I was doing that, but all day today I've been struggling with myself over a certain issue - I want to know how it is all going to turn out. Basically, I want to get to the destination...the end result. Of course, as my focus remains on that end point, I'm sure there is plenty that is passing right on by me. I'm sure what I'm missing most is the still, small voice of God calling out to me, which I don't hear well because of my own moaning and complaining. God, forgive me!

So the immediate result of my lack of focus is that I am not living that abundant life I wrote about in my last post. It is my own fault - no one else's. I'm just glad God is getting through so that I can re-focus my attention and live in that abundant life He has planned for me.

Living with abandon

"I have come that they might have life, and have it more abundantly." John 10:10

I love the fact that God is a persistent lover of my soul. So many things are becoming clear to me, but what is shouting out to me from reviewing my thoughts and feelings and ideas is the fact that God is pursuing me! "O Love that will not let me go." I've heard that many times and always felt like I didn't get it - and I didn't - until now. He is so awesome! He does not leave me alone - and I am glad. So very glad.

The thoughs my pastor shared with us today seem to just fit right in with the lesson of my life - trusting God. He was talking about what is required to realize miracles in our lives and used the example of Peter praying for Tabitha (Acts 9) and her coming back to life. He made several points, but the one that really spoke to me was this: Peter took a chance. After he had cleared the room of everyone, and remembered what he had seen Jesus do, Peter took a chance and did exactly as Christ did. He probably had thoughts like: "What will happen if this doesn't work?" "What will people think?" "Jesus, don't fail me now!" But it didn't stop him from going ahead and uttering the words, "Tabitha, get up!" The result was this - a woman was raised from the dead.

The whole idea of "taking a chance" has been something hovering around the edges of my consciousness for a while. I touched on it a bit in my previous post. Today it has become clear to me that the people who take chances are usually the ones who may fail big, but they more than likely "make it" big. They accomplish miracles. They see amazing things. They live life with abandon. No holds barred. Life is never dull for these people. I want to be and have that.

As I was driving home from church, I was reminded by the Holy Spirit that I've often prayed for a marriage that is above average - something special and not ordinary. What I was really praying for (and didn't realize it until now) was that I want a life (not just a marriage) that is above average....extraordinary. I don't want the run-of-the-mill life. I want that abundant life Christ talks about. I want to live with total and complete abandon.

So beginning today, I am deciding to choose the options that lead to a life of wild abandon in Christ. I know I can trust my heavenly Father to be there with me. In fact, He'll be there running beside me. He'll be the one running ahead of me, calling out to me to "come this way!" He'll play "hide and seek" with me so that I will continue to search for Him - but I know I will find Him, because He's told me so. This will probably mean my decisions will drive people crazy. They won't understand or they'll tell me I'm making a wrong choice. It won't matter. My life is in God's hands - not theirs. I trust Him.

Here's to living with abandon....I'm believing it will be an interesting experience!

Trusting God

For the first time, I really feel like I actually shared something of real value with the kids in my youth group. Our topic tonight was trusting God - the apparant object lesson of my life for the past six months. I guess that's why I feel like I actually did some good tonight. I really connected - I could tell it in the eyes of one of the kids. Do you know how awesome it is to see a teenager wrestling with the great truths of God's Word and how to apply those truths to their lives? Wow...I'm still amazed that God wants to use me for this.

I just love how God makes Himself known to me - even more - when I share with others the lessons I've learned. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned, came from my best friend - we usually know the answer to the question we're dealing with way deep down inside, but it sometimes doesn't come to the surface until we are talking to someone else about it. That sort of thing happened for me tonight.

I told the group that it isn't enough to simply say we trust - there has to be action behind it. Our scripture reference was Mark 2:1-11 - the story of the four men who dug through the roof to get their paralyzed friend to Jesus. They didn't just tell their friend, "Hey man, Jesus can heal you! I believe it, and you should too!!" No, they did whatever it took to get him to Jesus. They didn't let excuses stop them - "If we break their roof, how are we going to fix it?" "How in the world are we going to get him up to the roof - I'm not strong enough?" "What will these people think?" They did WHATEVER IT TOOK to get that man to Jesus. I posed the question to my youth, "What are you willing to do to get to Jesus for your answer?" Of course, as I'm challenging them, the Holy Spirit is working in me. Many of my struggles from the past few weeks, suddenly dimmed or disappeared in the light of that question. "What am I willing to do to get to Jesus and trust Him for my answer?" Am I willing to bear pain, sorrow, a lack of understanding the circumstances I'm in, fear of the unknown, or even a fear that I won't get what I want? Isn't that last one a crazy question? "....that I won't get what I want?" Don't I want God's will for my life? And if so, don't I trust that scripture in Jeremiah 29 that says His plans are "not to harm me" but "to give me a future and a hope"?

This past week has definitely been a soul-searching one. I absolutely trust God with every aspect of my life. Have for some time. It's just that now I'm having to put some action with that faith and walk out that trust minute by minute. It hasn't been easy, and it is by no means over, but already I can see that God is working in me. I believe I will be stronger and more sure in my faith-walk. Perhaps I will need that confidence and strength for another day, and it will be exactly what I need because it was tried in the fire of today.

How Great is Our God

song by Chris Tomlin

The splendor of a King
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

Chorus-
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Bridge-
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

I love this song. God makes Himself known to me in new ways each day. I have learned much about knowing Him and just being with Him over the past three weeks. Even though circumstances aren't any different, and I still don't know the outcome of things, I KNOW He is in control and has everything in hand.

I can't imagine trying to live without God's presence in my life.

Real Christians

I read a post on Irene's page that was really good.

I wish more Christians knew how to be real.

I'm getting better...

At hearing God's voice.

All day yesterday, and most of today, I was wrestling over a situation in my life. I just wanted answers to some questions. Of course, I wanted said answers "right now"!

Now, I've been down this road several times already (a couple of times in the past two weeks, as a matter of fact!) This road has a name...it's called "Waiting Way". God repeatedly reminds me to "be still and know that I am God." I think I've got the "know that I am God" part down, it's that "be still" part that trips me up. On second thought, maybe I don't have the first part down - if I did, then it would be easy to be still. Right? Hmmm.....something to think about, that's for sure.

Anyway, the reason for my struggle was because I was trying to figure out the resolution to the situation. How, when, and where it was going to be resolved. I had taken the reins, again, and was trying to figure out what's going to happen. (I don't know why I do this - it always causes me trouble!) Instead of simply trusting God with the situation, I was trying to control it - in my mind at least. (Fortunately, I hadn't acted on any of my thoughts and "plans"!)

So today, I'm chatting online with a friend when all of a sudden, as I'm typing a response to her, God shows me clearly that my struggle has been me. I was thinking it was the situation and circumstances, but in reality, I simply had picked the thing back up and God hadn't told me I could. I clearly heard Him speak to my heart - "Are you going to give me the time I need to take care of this?" Yikes! I immediately said, "YES! I don't want to get ahead of you, God! Please, take all the time you need to work in this situation - just give me what I need as I wait on You!" It was amazing the peace and calm that came over me. I always know when I'm walking in God's will - the inner turmoil stops and incredible peace overwhelms me.

I just wish I would always keep myself here in this place. That I would never doubt or wonder "when" or "how" or "where" or even "why" when I know what He has already spoken to me.

*sigh*

I do think, however, that I am learning to hear God more quickly than before and therefore I don't struggle quite as long. I just hope I keep getting better at hearing the Father's voice! I'm sure going to try!

Open doors

I am continuously amazed at how God blesses me. There are so many doors opening to me these days. Just when it looked like a major door was slamming shut, He has stepped right in and is carrying me in a different direction. How awesome is our God? I can't wait to see where He takes me. It will be good if I will just stay out of the way.

There is an inner struggle still taking place. I wish I could just switch some thoughts and feelings off. I know that waiting on God is the best action, but sometimes I just allow myself to get ahead of Him and ask, "Ok, when will it be over?" or "How long will it take to get an answer!??!" One thing I know, His timing is always just right. Even when it seems like it is almost too late. :) I just have to remind myself of what I know - what the Word says about God and what I know from my own personal relationship with Him. I know it is all going to be ok.

In other news - I'll be going to Fort Worth in a week and a half. I'm so excited! I'll be meeting up with some new friends and attending a conference that will be an incredible experience. I can hardly wait! If anyone has some suggestions of what is fun to do there - you know some hole-in-the-wall restaurants that are a MUST or places to visit that I shouldn't miss - please let me know! I bought a city map of Fort Worth today and another booklet of things to see in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

I was in Dallas about 15 years ago for a youth conference. All I remember is the hotel we stayed in - it has the rotating restaurant right next to it (I think it was a Peachtree Hotel then) and going by the "Grassy Knoll". We didn't get to linger too long, but it was neat to be in a place where a major historical event happened. I may try to get back over there to look around. It will be different now that I'm 31 instead of 16 - especially since I have a much more in depth knowledge of history and politics. I've always loved history.

Anyway, I'm so excited about my trip. It will be a neat vacation for me and a very interesting experience. I'll be the only person there that I know well! :) Ahhh....another opportunity for growth....step outside of what I know...live on the edge a bit. :) I can hardly wait!

Your love is amazing...

Hallelujah (Your Love Makes Me Sing)
Brenton Brown, Brian Doerksen

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me
When I am surrounded, your love carries me

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see you, all your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me

Yes, you make me sing
Lord, you make me sing, sing, sing
How you make me sing

I love this song. Today it is my song and my heart. Today, God's love is enough.

Woohoo!!!

Still learning

"And Solomon, my son, get to know the God of your ancestors. Worship and serve him with your whole heart and with a willing mind. For the LORD sees every heart and understands and knows every plan and thought. If you seek him, you will find him. But if you forsake him, he will reject you forever." 1 Chronicles 28:9

"If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me." Jeremiah 29:13

This is becoming so real to me right now. He truly does what He says - but watch out - when you invite Him in, He will leave no stone un-turned.

My heart's desire is to know Christ like I've never known Him before. I didn't realize how much of "me" was still in the way. It has been a little bit painful, but just like getting a shot when you've got an infection - when He starts to work, relief is almost immediate. It is truly amazing.

I can't wait to see what else is on my horizon. I feel like God is up to something big, so we will just have to see what that is! All I know is that I love Him more than anything - and I believe I can at last say that without any doubt.

Instant fix

I've come to realize that when I'm in the midst of a struggle, I want God to fix it "right now!" "Get me out of this, God!! It hurts too much!" I'm learning, that it doesn't work that way. Sometimes He wants me to learn something from my experiences.

I read this today in an article from Dr. Charles Stanely on www.crosswalk.com:

It's important that we face and endure the challenges God lays before us. When we seek an early escape, we cheat ourselves of what God wants to do in our lives. In addition, we cheat others of an example of hope and encouragement.

I don't like being uncomfortable. I strongly dislike not knowing how situations will be resolved. I hate it when things don't happen the way I dreamed they would. That's what I get for trying to figure out what God is doing. I can't do that anymore. (But we'll just see how long it takes before I do it again!)

The other thing I'm wrestling with is this - what I feel God is telling me to do (in a particular situation) goes against my natural inclination and the advice of close, trusted friends (not all of them, though). The thing that I want to do would certainly put an end to the situation, but I keep hearing in the back of my mind - what if you find out down the road that it would have been different had you simply waited? Yikes!!!

So the question becomes, am I going to try and "escape" this current challenge or am I going to be willing to wait on God and see what He is trying to accomplish - in me and possibly in the other person?

You see, the one thing that I know without a doubt is that God has been involved in this situation from the very beginning. Yesterday, I was doubting everything I believed He had shown me and even questioned my own ability to hear the voice of God. So today, I had to make a choice - am I going to go by what I see with my eyes or am I really going to trust God?

There are two things He's told me over and over again in the past year: "Do you trust Me?"....yes, God....then, "Be still and know that I am God." So that is what I am going to do. Will it be easy? Looking from where I stand right now - not at all. Will He accomplish something great in it? Without a doubt! The fun will be in watching Him work His will. But when I think that my experiences will benefit someone else - I'm inclined to think it will all be worth it.

Struggling through

Let me ask a question - why is the knowledge that God is working things out (and He is concerned with every aspect of my life) not enough to get through the emotions and reality of today? Does anyone else ever struggle with this? I know that He is moving and working in my life, and yet for some reason it isn't enough in this moment when doubt and fear are trying to grab hold of me.

For the past week, I have been trying to live out the idea that "God is enough." If I have Him, then all is well. I've been trying to know what it means to be satisfied with God - not just depend on the happy feelings or emotion of my experiences surrounding God in my life. I'm not sure I even understand how to go about being satisfied with just Him, or even what that really means...but I'm trying. I'm seeking and asking and expect Him to show me.

I just want to know how to make my feelings and emotions agree with what I know and believe in my mind. If someone figures that out, would you let me know?

How much am I willing to risk?

Today, I read the following in a devotional I'm working through ("A Heart That Dances" by Catherine Martin). It is from a prayer written by A.W. Tozer:

"Let me stand before the great or minister to the poor and lowly; that choice is not mine, and I would not influence it if I could. I am Thy servant to do Thy will, and that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame, and I choose it above all things on earth or in heaven."

Wow. What a statement. "..that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame, and I choose it above all things..."

I've realized that although I have surrendered all of my life to Christ, there is still that part of me that wants my life to work out a certain way. And, of course, without serious pain or suffering. I mean - don't I deserve that?

Yep. There it is - arrogance and pride. I guess I never realized that I had those feelings...that I deserved anything other than what God chooses to allow in my life. It has been a startling revelation to me.

I'm dealing with a situation in my life that is not the easiest thing I've ever experienced. I'm sure it won't be the worst. It has been easy to see the wrong in the other person, but God is now showing me my own attitude that needs dealing with. "I deserve better than that." Although it may be true, that is for God to deal with in this situation. The truth is, I deserve much worse than I get, but it is only because of God's mercy that I don't.

One of the guys I work with had a statement taped to his computer monitor once. It said this, "For the sake of Christ, if I will put myself in last place, then I won't be hurt when others put me there."

So the question is, how much am I willing to risk? How much of my pride, feelings, and expectations am I willing to place on the line to be in the perfect will of God? Will I go places I wouldn't have normally chosen for myself and associate with people I wouldn't pick out of a crowd? Will I be willing to love those who persecute me? Will I be willing to totally sacrifice myself and my desires so that someone else can know the God of heaven and earth and have a relationship with Him?

Hard questions, to be sure. Right now, I'm working on answering them for myself.

When I was a child...

I used to wonder why it was that God wouldn't give me just a glimpse into my future. "Why can't you give me just a hint of what's to come?"

Now I know that God is truly infinite in His wisdom.

As I get older, even though there are many times I wish for that hint of future plans, I'm learning to appreciate the surprise of living life. On the other side of that coin, when things don't go the way I would have planned, I'm grateful that I had no clue the rough times were coming. It's hard enough to deal with pain and uncertainty when it comes. I can't imagine trying to deal with knowing: on such-and-such day, xyz is going to happen and you will respond thus-and-so.

I find myself again in a holding pattern of waiting and trusting in God. It's not the worst place in the world. I keep reminding myself and telling Jesus that if I can just have Him....if I can just dwell in His presence, everything will be ok. He is all I need. Like the woman with the issue of blood, if I can just touch Him, I'll be whole. My heart longs to know Him deeper and for that reason alone, I am glad for this current trial.

The good news is this - I am absolutely certain that Jesus is right here with me and is working all things for my good. I look forward, with great anticipation, to what blessings He will bring into my life. I can't wait to see how He will work. More importantly, I can't wait to see the finished product in me that can reach out and help someone else. If I have to experience these things to be a blessing to someone else - so be it!

"...we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

I thank God for what He is doing!

Overwhelmed

Yesterday, I was so overwhelmed by the blessings of God in my life. There are so many exciting things happening - I'm a youth minister, I've started a new business, there is a "special someone" in my life (still developing), I've made some new friends - who are bringing some excitment into my life :) - and most importantly, I feel like I've really been growing in my relationship with God. It has been an incredible year - and we're only 26 days into it! I can only imagine what the rest of the year will be like. So last night when I got home (I had dinner with my new friends - we had a blast!) I was so overcome with all the good things in my life. I couldn't help but give praise to God!

I've been trying to be more thankful to God and praise and worship Him each day. Worshipping God has been a hot topic in my quiet time and thoughts over the last few weeks. (I'll write more on that later.)

Anyway - today I was overwhelmed with a slew of emotions. It was so tough! All I wanted to do all day is cry! It was so crazy. I really hate when that happens - you know, a real high followed by a serious low. Fortuantely, that doesn't happen often in my life and when it does, I can usually identify some things that led to my low. One of the things that helped bring it about today is all the stuff I have going on at work. We have a major event this weekend, and today was extremely stressful in dealing with it. I was already weepy when I got to work, and the stress of what I had to deal with today didn't help.

The good news is - I'm much better now! As Scarlett says, "tomorrow is another day!" I know it will be better.

Who doesn't love flowers?

Today, I sent a basket of flowers to a friend for her birthday. I just love to get flowers! Unfortunately, I've only had flowers given to me five or six times. Two of those were work related and two arrangements came from a friend for my birthday and again as a thank you for helping her with some school work. I did get a bouquet of flowers from a guy one time, but that's been over seven years ago!

Of course, at this time of the year - namely Valentine's Day - getting flowers tends to be a mark of whether or not you have a Special Someone in your life and just how special you are to that person. Anyone going into a local grocery, drug or discount store will be overwhelmed with the marketing of Valentine's Day.

I have never really liked this "holiday". Even with the possibility of having a "Special Someone" in my life, this holiday just doesn't excite me. Now, let me offer one caveat before I go on - were I to receive a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day, I would not be able to stop smiling and would definitely feel special. However, I have always said (and you can ask my closest friends) that if, when I'm married, the only time I'm going to get flowers is at Valentine's Day, he can save his money. Notice I said if that's the only time he plans to get me flowers.

Here's why: Valentine's Day requires no special effort for a man to tell his sweetie how precious she is to him. An alien landing on earth could walk into a store at this time of year and be able to know he should get his alienette something special. Guys don't have to work too hard to remember Valentine's Day. If my husband doesn't think that I am special and worth the extra effort to get a bouquet of flowers at other times during the year, don't bother at Valentine's Day when you get a month-long reminder that the love of your life is special to you. BUT, if he goes out of his way to tell me how much I mean to him throughout the year, I wouldn't mind getting flowers on Valentine's Day. :)

You probably think I'm being picky. Well, you're right. There just isn't enough romance these days. People aren't willing to work hard to make their relationships special. I am so saddened by the number of couples I see who just seem to tolerate each other. How much spark and fire would be added to their lives if they would just go a little out of their way to make their spouse feel special? Sure it's work - but the rewards....how can you put a price on that? I want my man to be willing to go the extra mile. After all, that's what I plan to do for him.

My, how time flies!

Well, I can hardly believe it is already halfway through January!!! It was just New Year's eve a couple of days ago.....right?!??! I'm continuously amazed at how fast time passes the older I get. I can remember being in junior high and feeling like the summer lasted f-o-r-e-v-e-r!! (I didn't like summers - we lived in a neighborhood with very few kids, plus - I just liked school!)

These days, it just seems like you blink and a month has already passed by! The Valentine's Day memorabilia is out in full force and I expect to see summer clothes on the racks before too many more days. As an aside...it's amazing the number of people who are back at the gym! The numbers had thinned out quite a bit in November and December and now it's almost too crowded to work out!!! Everyone's getting ready for the swimsuit season! I'm sure it's more noticable because I'm a member at an all-ladies gym.

Anyway - there is so much on my plate in the next few months. Lots of things are happening and I'm having to learn how to balance it all. It is an exciting time to be alive....at least I think so! I'm looking forward to what 2005 brings. Before I know it, the spring and summer will have passed and it will be the fall and winter season and time for the beginning of yet another new year.

I'm still here

Goodness where does the time go!?! So many things have been happening and occupying my time. I really am going to be better at posting thoughts and ideas here. Until the time comes to close this blog, that is - which is not anytime soon! :)

Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's! Mine was really wonderful. It's amazing the changes that can take place among family and friends in the span of 365 days. I'm sure that the next 353 days will hold twists and turns we could never imagine. Hopefully, they will all be good and bring good things into each person's life.

Tonight as I was sitting in church, the thought crossed my mind that things are about to really take off - and I'm ready! I believe God is moving in my life and He's going to take me to places I've never been. I want to make sure I can hear His voice clearly and am willing to step out in faith when necessary. I don't want to miss a thing! My heart's desire is to know Him more intimately than ever before.

Well, that's just a few thoughts I had tonight. I realized I've been extremely derelict in writing on this page (not that I have THAT big of an audience!) and wanted to put something out there for those who do stop by.

I'll be back soon!

It's cold!

Just as Christmas ought to be! I'm so glad it won't be a t-shirt/shorts kind of Christmas (as we often have here in Mississippi!) I love the winter! :)

I don't like the fact that there are people I love and care about who have to travel in this weather. As you may have seen, there is a snow storm hitting the North-Central portion of the US. My roommates left this morning for Illinois - it took them 11 hours to get home! I have another friend who was driving from Kentucky to Michigan tonight, but last I heard from him, he had only traveled 90 miles in 4 hours. He was having to find a hotel room because they had closed the interstate. Yikes! Hopefully, he can make it to his parents' home tomorrow.

Well, it's time to go snuggle under the covers and keep warm! Just two more days till Christmas! :)

I haven't forgotten...

that I have a blog. I can't believe how hard it is for me to get to it these days. There is so much going on in my life - perhaps that's part of the problem!

I know one thing, I'll be glad when the holidays are done. Not because I don't like them, but because they are always so rushed and packed with "stuff" to do!!! I wish I had time to just "be". Don't see that happening this week for sure!

We finally have winter-like weather!!! Woohoo! Today's high was around 44 degrees and we have another freeze warning for tonight. Now that's cuddle weather!!!! :) Just wish someone was here to cuddle with!

Anyway, I'm thinking the next year will be very interesting. I'm hoping it will. Lots of new opportunities on the horizon and the possibilities are limitless. I'm excited.

More later.

It's official....

Christmas is now here! I started listening to Christmas music today! :) I love being able to listen to Christmas music all day, but by the time Christmas comes, I'll be all holiday-ed out. I have a couple of friends that would listen to it all year if they could get away with it.

Anyway -it has been way too long since I last updated (as if you couldn't tell!) There have been other things occupying my time, but I think my life is about to level back out to some degree. You know how it is when something new is introduced into your life - you get all caught up in it until it settles down and becomes part of the everyday routine. Well, it's about that time - time to be "back to normal" - whatever that means! I had a friend tell me once that "normal" was only a setting on the washing machine! :)

So, back to the everyday routine I go. There are a couple of things that I know God has told me to take care of and deal with - things regarding my job and my personal life - so I've got to work on those areas. I believe 2005 is going to be a full year - full of even more new and exciting changes. I'm looking forward to that. God has really been working in me lately, so I'm also looking forward to what He's going to do with me in the next year.

No doubt about it, I'll have plenty to keep me busy: strengthening my relationship with Christ, spending time with family, my job, my youth group, a new business I'm building (more on that later), and of course - my wonderful friends! Who could ask for anything more! (I don't think I'd ask for more - I wouldn't be able to handle it!) :)

Catching Up

Let's see...there's been a lot going on that I haven't blogged about, so here's one event I wanted to share:

It occurred on the Saturday before Halloween. I was at church, with my youth group, and we were in the middle of our meeting, when all of a sudden these people just walked into the church. They were kids, between the ages of 9-15 or 16, who were out trick-or-treating and getting into trouble. Two of them came in and wanted water. So I gave them some (our water fountain is broken, but we have a filtered water machine). Anyway, one of the kids that came in was lingering a long time, and I was trying to usher him back out. Now before you get upset at me trying to get the kid out of the church - we were at the end of our time together and this just wasn't the time to try and invite them to join us. I knew they were up to something, and I had no idea how right I was.

So I get to the door with the kid, he steps outside and I see that there are probably 5-6 other kids out there. Anyway, when I see them, I motion back to one of my kids to bring me my cell phone. As I'm turning back around to go outside, I hear this sound, like a cracking egg, and the kids start running off...or at least a few of them start running. I stand out there for just a few seconds and came back in the church and locked the door. I called my brother (who is 6'7" and weighs about 340 lbs) to come to the church. He shows up with my other brother in tow and they look around the church to see what damage was done. I figured those kids had been hurling eggs at the church. Amazingly, they found none. So we concluded our youth meeting, everyone left and I cleaned things up and locked the church. My brothers were both hanging around (the older of the two brothers happens to live right next to the church, but he was with his wife and kids at my parent's house, along with my "big" little brother.) Anyway, I go out to my car, open the back door, lay my stuff in the seat and close the door. It was then I found out what those punk kids had done. As I closed the door, I heard this sound of crunching, crackling glass. I take one step to my right and look at my rear windshield. It was completely shattered - still hanging in place - but completely shattered. I was so mad! It drives me nuts when something I own gets damaged or broken! I'm rather particular about my "stuff".

I called the police and they came out and filed a report. Needless to say, there was NOTHING they could do - or would do. One of my kids recognized one of the punks in the crowd, so I called her to get his name. The cop already knew him, but didn't act like he was even going to go talk to the kid.

Before I left the church, we knocked out the windshield, picked out as much of the glass as we could and I duct taped a garbage bag over the window - or most of it...the bag was too small! As I was leaving to go home, I saw the kid who had been in the church with me, walking with a bunch of kids. I stopped in the middle of the road, jumped out and called out to him. He came over and this state trooper, who had been parked at the gas station on the corner, came driving up. I told him what had happened and that this kid knew who had vandalized my car. He contacted the city police and they came back out....yada yada yada. Suffice it to say, because he was a minor, and his parents weren't present, they really couldn't ask him too many questions. Of course, the kid didn't know the people he'd been hanging out with all night. Yeah...right. I wanted to jerk a knot in his head! (Boy don't I sound like a loving youth leader!) It gets worse - when I realized we weren't getting anywhere and the cops weren't going to do anything, I thanked the officers for their time, and got in my car to go home. I have to confess that I said the following statement to God - "I hope they choke on their halloween candy!!!!....after they come to know you, Jesus!!!" Hey - what would you have done?!!?

Seriously though, I don't hold any hatred in my heart for those kids. I feel sorry for them. They are doomed to repeat the cycle of life their parents are living. I would guess that most, if not all of those kids, have only one parent at home and don't even know their dad. The only way for them to break out is to meet Jesus and have a real, life-changing relationship with Him. Now, I've got to figure out what part I might play in that. Honestly, I don't know any of those kids or where they live, so I can't go meet them and try to minister to them. Besides, I'm not so sure that's what God wants me to do at this time. I know He wants me to pour into the kids I have and help them to gain a solid footing in the faith. I guess I will just pray for those other kids, that God would bring the right people into their lives to challenge them. Timing is everything - and it is always better to wait on God's timing.

Thank God no one was hurt and there wasn't more damage done. My windshield has been replaced and all is well. Can't wait to see what comes up next!

Chicken, anyone?

Have you seen the Chickenfight?

It is really quite funny.

Isn't it amazing how much money a company will spend to market their products?

What a fun weekend!

I went to see one of my best friends this weekend in Mobile, AL. Tiffany is one of those people who, when you first meet them, instantly become a lifelong friend. I just love her! She is an awesome person - full of life and love and every good thing! You can definitely see the Light of Christ in her! I want to be like her when I grow up!!!! :-D

We had a blast! For me, just being able to get away from my everyday life was a wonderful blessing. I needed some time away. I think I may be making regular trips to Mobile - it's an easy drive and it's just good to have somewhere to escape to. I'm so glad I went.

Last week was such a struggle emotionally and spiritually for me, and God allowed me some "down time". Now, I'm just trying to prepare myself for the next thing He is bringing into my life. I've learned to not get too complacent about things. Just about the time I try to settle down into a mode of operation, He seems to bring something new into my world. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad He's moving! Life is definitely interesting these days.

While I was in Mobile, we went to a Christian bookstore and I found this great devotional I'm going to start. (Maybe tonight, but probably tomorrow.) The title of the devotional is "A heart that dances" by Catherine Martin. It is an eight-week, daily devotional that focuses on building a deeper relationship with God. In the midst of all the things going on in my life, I've heard God clearly tell me that I need to learn what it means to be intimate with Him. I'm excited and a little anxious - even though I know I have no reason to be anxious. I long to know God more, and I know that it will cost me. Yes, it is crazy to even worry about what it will cost me - the reward of knowing my Lord is worth more than anything else. But there is a process of dying to self that has to be worked through in order to know a deeper relationship with God. And that is the part that scares me. After all, I've been the one in control for most of my life. Even when I gave my life to Christ at the age of 14, I didn't fully allow Him to be Lord of my life. The time has come now, however, that He has to be Lord of all or not at all. I must trust Him - nothing else matters.

So, the fear of living an unfulfilled life, empty of God's passion and fire, is greater than the fear of giving up whatever God requires of me to know Him intimately. Therefore, I am setting out on that journey. I'm striking out on the path set before me, looking always to my Guide for instructions. I know that He will take me places I could not even begin to imagine. I also know that the momentary pain of losing things I deem "valuable" will be replaced with the joy and peace that comes with an intimate relationship with God.

I can't wait to see where this adventure will take me.

My weekly update...

Apparently, I am only going to update this thing once a week! I think my problem is I've started a written journal, so most of my thoughts are going there and I have nothing for the blog. My thoughts are too personal to share with the world right now.

I will say this - when God starts working in your life, hold on! I've never been to such deep places with God as I have in the past few weeks. It's amazing. Yesterday I was telling a friend that there are times I wish I was just a "pew pickle" - you know, those people who come and do their "Christian duty" by appearing at church when the doors open, but have no real spiritual depth?!?! But then, when I think that the Creator of the Universe wants to spend time with me, taking me to deep levels of fellowship with Himself, I am overwhelmed. How can I ever wish for anything less? Wow.

God's been really working on me. Don't ever think you've got your stuff together - that's a sure invitation for God to prove otherwise! :) I'm in a period of waiting. There are a couple of things He's doing in my life, but they're not happening right now, so I must wait. In the meantime, God's been trying to get me to really learn to trust Him and make the most of the time I have right now. Too many times I get caught up and consumed with what might come down the road and forget to thank God for what is happening right now. I end up not enjoying each moment He blesses me with. If I'm not careful, I will also miss out on other things He wants to bring into my life. I don't want to miss anything that comes from God.

So...I'm re-focusing on some things He has me involved with right now. I think that when I give myself to those things, the time I spend being involved with them will bring me closer to those other things I'm waiting for. All I know is that I can't wait to see how God brings it all to pass.

There's no doubt about it - the Christian life can be hard at times, but it is never dull!

The fragile heart

I never understood how fragile the human heart really is - until the last couple of weeks.

I have a friend who is struggling with a broken relationship. It wasn't a long relationship, but she had poured all she is into it, hoping that her uniqueness and great qualities (which are numerous!) would be enough to help him overcome his broken heart and feelings for a former girlfriend. That never works. Now she is devastated and is near the point of giving up. Literally.

Fortunately, (or unfortunately) I've been there before, so I know what she's feeling. I wish I could make her see that she will come through and that there is hope. We can't change people. They will either love us or they won't. But if we have given everything we are to God, we will be protected and will be able to guard our heart. Does that mean it won't hurt? Heck, no. But - you can go on and not be shattered into a million pieces because of that other person's choices. God must come first.

That's what I learned from my past relationship. I have to guard my heart. I can't allow myself to go to those places of want and desire until God opens the door. I must deal with what is and be honest with myself - and with God. Over the years, I've really come to know that God is not bothered by my questions or the frustrations that I scream out to Him. I think He's glad when I do that, because it means I recognize His ability to make a difference - and my inability to do anything about it. The key is to learn to stop long enough to hear what He has to say back. I don't do that well. But even when I don't stop to hear His voice, He still manages to get His point across and I end up growing closer to Him. How awesome it is to know the Creator of the Universe cares that much about me.

Today, I was praying for my friend and something strange happened. Have you ever been praying for someone and the very words you used to pray for their need become directed at you, and you realize God means that prayer for you as well? That's what happened. I was praying these words: "God, help her to know that if she will give those passions and desires to You, You will take them and give them back in ways far above what she could ever dream or imagine." I was walking back up the steps to my office when I prayed that and nearly fell down to my knees because I was so overcome by God's presence. I've never experienced anything like it. I knew that those words were for her AND me. I believe the Holy Spirit gave me those words, because I've never prayed that before for anyone. It was awesome and yet, I was so strongly reminded that I have to give my everything to God. I can trust Him with it all - including my heart. He will treat it gently and with great care and hold it for just the right time for me to give it to someone else. I am still pondering the implications of that prayer and God's message to my own heart.

What a day. Ladies, guard your hearts. Turn them over to the One who will keep them safe until a man worthy of it comes along. We think we know when a guy is worthy, but we're just kidding ourselves. Our vision is limited and blurred by the trash of this world. We must trust the One who created us and knows for whom we were created. Who else besides the Manufacturer knows what's best for His creation? And fellas, you do the same. Give your heart to the Creator and let Him lead you when it comes to relationships. He won't lead you wrong. Just listen to His voice and trust His judgment, not your own.

Man, it's been a while!

I'm sure lots of folks have quit checking my blog since my posts are so few and far between. Trust me, it's not because there isn't anything happening - I'm just not at a place where I can talk about it. There may be much to say soon.

In other news - for some reason, my Youth Group keeps coming back! I am amazed. They are a great group of kids and I really feel inadequate for the task. I'm always asking God "What were you thinking!?!?!?!" I hate to think what they are missing out on simply because I'm new at this whole "youth minister" thingy. Oh well, I guess I'll keep pouring out my love on them and doing what I know to do - God can obviously take care of the rest of it!

14 DAYS!!!! Hope you are all keeping up with the election news. If you are undecided, please read, read and read some more. There are tons of references out on the net and on the radio for hearing what the real truth is! Don't be swayed by slick words and empty promises. Compare the records of both candidates and make your decision from that! God bless George Bush and God bless America!!!

Waiting...

I hate waiting. In my mind, it seems like I do that a lot, but I'm sure I don't have to wait for things any longer than most folks.

I'm trying to learn how to live in the here and now...to enjoy the moments I have right now and not waste them looking ahead to what is coming. I'm afraid to think of the things I've missed because I was too busy standing on my toes, straining to see into tomorrow and what it would bring. I'm sure I've missed hearing God's voice many times because I have been pre-occupied with what may or may not happen.

*sigh*

I know God is in control and that because I've committed myself to Him, He will bring good things into my life. He can see the big picture and He knows how everything works out. At the same time, I can see where He is working and how He could be bringing those things into my life. That's where my struggle lies - seeing what He's doing on one side and on the other side - what that could mean. "X" could happen, but will it? He could be doing "X" in my life, but is that where He's taking me?

It's a bit like driving down an unfamiliar road...you know that the road goes down over the next hill and you can see where it comes up on the next hill - but you have no idea what the road between those two points is like. It could turn a little, take you over a lake or through some trees or it could simply be a straight path from one hill to the next. You know the road is there - there are no signs that it's out - you just don't know exactly what it's like. That's where I am. I can see where I am and I think I know where I'll end up (at least on the next hill!) but I just don't know the journey from here to there. So I have to wait and see the path as I'm traveling on it.

I just hope I'll take some time to view the scenery along the way.

The writing on the wall....

Yesterday was unbelievable. I have been put on probation for 30 days. Never in my life, have I had this kind of "discipline" at a job. Needless to say, I was floored.

Now, to be honest, I have been a bit distracted and not nearly as focused on my job as I should have been, and that has resulted in some mistakes on my part. I admit that, and I am working on improving that. But apparently, it has been so bad that my boss feels a need to take this action. Personally, I think it is a bit much....ok, a bit TOO much. I mean, I just had a review in August! How terrible could I have gotten in one month? I just don't understand.

Fortunately, it's not an "official" probation - there isn't any paperwork being filled out and it's not going through our home office. This is just something between us. He wants to see an improvement in my attitude (which he said has been better since our golf tournament) and he wants to see that I am more focused in my work. Well, ok....I can do that!

My pastor spoke last night to our congregation about the attacks that seem to be coming against a lot of our members. It would seem that we are making a difference in the Kingdom, and the enemy of our souls is not pleased. Perhaps this is just another front of his attack.

Regardless of the cause, in the midst of it all I still heard God telling me it was all ok and He is working it all out. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that my time here is coming to an end....I just don't know how, where or when. But you know what? That's ok. I have surrendered my life to God and if all of this turmoil is part of what He's doing in my life, I can make it. He'll give me just what I need, when I need it.

I'm just going to put a smile on my face and do what's expected of me.

That's just the way it is.....

I cannot believe it has happened again!

I am without my computer once again. Yes, the logic board has once again failed and I couldn't use my laptop. Hopefully, they will replace the logic board with a new, updated version. Rick, the owner of the local Mac dealership/service location, said that Apple has been replacing the boards this time with a new version. I'm hoping this will take care of the problem and I won't have to deal with it again!

In my opinion, there is no better computer you could have than a Macintosh. I've used PC's for 12 years now, and I have never had a computer that just "works" so well! Other than the logic board (which is a hardware problem) I've not had any issues with my Mac! In fact, I can use it at the office and save files to our network and then be able to open them up on my pc. It's seamless!!! I just love my Mac....and I'm going to miss it over the next few days. :(

My favorite time of the year...

I love the fall!!! Although we're not fully into the season, you can feel its' presence. It is coming soon! Most people would say that the springtime represents a time of "renewal" or it brings about a sense of "newness" and "new beginnings" for them, but the fall does that for me. I don't really know why. I can be weird sometimes. :) Sometimes, I just like to be different!

In my mind (and my experience), exciting stuff seems to happen in the fall. I think it's because the change that takes place is so evident - the leaves change and eventually fall from the trees, the air is cooler and crisper, and the days aren't nearly so long. Of course, you have to wear warmer clothes and you also get to light the fire in the fireplace. Perhaps it is the sense of closeness that comes from having to dress warmer and stay inside that I really like. Don't get me wrong- I like being outside - but I also like being inside with family and friends - and you definitely spend more time with people once the weather changes!

Another reason I love the fall is because it brings my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving! Of course, it hasn't always been my favorite. As a child, no holiday could ever compete with the decorations and excitement of receiving gifts from Santa! But as I've grown older, my holiday allegiance has switched to Thanksgiving. I guess I don't get enough of spending time with family and friends. (Well, with a few exceptions!!) But I just love being able to sit around and talk with family, share what's going on in each other's lives, see how much the kids have grown and reflect on "the good 'ole days". In addition, the food is usually good, too! :)

So it's that time of year again, and I am very excited. I'm waiting to see what this fall brings...perhaps there will be another reason to add to my list!

Time to prepare

Do you ever wish that you could just get a glimpse of what it is God is doing "behind the scenes" of your life? I know that if He were to give me that glimpse, I'd probably run away screaming, but today, I just wish I had a clue what He is up to. I'm sure I should just be thankful that He is moving and working. Don't get me wrong - I am very thankful! I just don't like not knowing what's up.

One thing I am sure of - He keeps telling me to trust and wait and in the meantime, prepare myself. Well, that begs the question...prepare for what? That's what I'm trying to figure out!

My pastor challenged us yesterday to spend this week re-examining our perceptions of who God really is and compare those with what the Bible says. I want to know God. I want to know Him like I've never known Him, because He is my everything. It's kind of funny - the theme scripture God gave me for the youth group is John 15:5 -

"I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing."

Apparently, God is helping me learn to live this verse, for I am reminded of it frequently, and am having to learn how to remain in Him.

I think I'm traveling a new segment of my faith-walk, and my journey is taking me through a part of the countryside I've never seen before. I can hardly appreciate the scenery for being bothered by the fact I'm in a new place. Isn't that silly?!?! I want to relish today and not waste it wondering about tomorrow, but it is hard - especially when there are things I have to deal with today that I'm tired of dealing with.

I just want some clear direction, but perhaps the more time I spend getting to know God, the less concerned I'll be with where it is He's taking me.

TGIF

All I want to say is that I'm glad it's Friday. It's been a long week and I'm beat! Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say later. :)

Sailing along

Just wanted to say that things are going much better this week. This week I'm having to close out our two golf tournaments, so I'm staying busy - and staying out of trouble! :) God is good...that's all I know!

One thing I've got to do is get back into my regular personal schedule. This past week-and-a-half has really thrown a cog in my wheel! I haven't worked out in almost two weeks now and I've been staying up until 12 or 1am every night! I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't keep it up. I'm excited that I'll get to the gym this afternoon. I need a hard workout!

In addition to my physical health, I've got to get back in the groove of studying the Word. I've not been reading God's Word nearly enough because of my busy schedule, and I can tell it! Good grief! I am too easily distracted from doing the important stuff!

Well, time to get back to the helm...

I am proud to introduce...

My pastor has hit the blogosphere!!! His blog is going to be quite a read - I can assure you! You may love him - you may hate him, but I'll bet once you start reading, you won't be able to quit!

I feel like I've had some part in the birth of his blog. Randy's been reading my posts since I began my blog last year and I'd like to think I had some influence in his decision to join this world of thoughts and ideas. You know - I do what I can! :)

Anyway, I look forward to seeing what happens.

A quiz for everything...

Thanks to Rick for this new quiz. I haven't done one of these in a while so I thought it would be fun.

Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

True Christian
You are humble, gracious, kind and extremely Christ-like. You believe in the bible as your law, but read it in its original language. Perhaps you're not a scholar, but you're not an amateur either. You normally don't feel church is acceptable for your form of worship, and if anyone believes different from you, you might try to learn something from them.

I don't know how to read the Bible in it's original language, but I think the rest of it is fairly accurate. How funny!

loneliness

it's amazing to me how you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. it just sneaks up on you, busts through the door and sets up camp. eeeck. i'll be glad when it leaves. hopefully it won't be here long and there will be a long time before it shows up again.

Sometimes, it just gets old

I think the one thing I most dislike about being single is having to take care of everything for myself. If my car needs work, I have to make sure it happens. When something I own breaks, I have to fix it or get a new one.

Even though I have two roommates, I tend to be the one in the house that fixes things. It's not my roommate's fault, it's just the way it is. They even have a nickname for me. They've started calling me "Walgreens" (that's a drug store chain here in the south.) If anyone needs something, I usually have it - from bandaids and batteries to coaxial cables and extension cords. I don't understand how that happened. I guess I'm just weird.

Starting last week, our bathtub started backing up. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since there are three girls living in the house. Well, the day before yesterday it was backing up and staying backed up for a long time. We happened to have a little bit of this stuff called "Liquid Fire." Have you ever heard of the stuff?!!? It's truly amazing, but gosh it stinks!!! Basically it is sulfuric acid and it will remove any clog you have! So I used the little bit we had, hoping it would take care of the problem. Uh...no. Not gonna happen.

Well, today, I go and get a new bottle and when I got home, I poured half of it down the drain, waited the prescribed 15 minutes and started the cold water running down the drain. "Aha," I thought, "it worked!" But within seconds, I realized I had jumped the gun. The tub promptly began to fill up and the water wouldn't budge.

After consulting with my mom about her experience with the stuff, I decided to use the rest of the bottle. The directions say to wait until all the water had drained out, but if I had done that, I'd still be waiting. So I started pouring a little bit down the drain (the stuff went straight down the drain - it didn't even mix with the water sitting in the tub!) Then, I took the plunger and started pumping the drain. After going back and forth - pouring and pumping - the water finally went down and I poured the rest of the Liquid Fire down the drain. I waited another 15 minutes and, voila! Success!!!!! I must admit, I was proud of myself. For all of my wishing I didn't have to always tend to things, I do have a sense of pride when I can "fix" a problem.

Needless to say, it will be nice when one day I can let someone else tend to those kinds of things. At least, I hope I will marry someone who can tend to those kinds of things. :) I don't mind doing "fix-it" jobs around the house, it just would be nice to not be the only one to do it. *sigh* I guess I need to be grateful I can do those things, but like I said - sometimes it just gets old.

When in doubt, apologize

My mom gave me some good advice this morning. She told me that I should probably apologize for yesterday, whether I felt I was at fault or not. So I did. And she was right. It was the thing to do. All is well here today and we'll be just fine.

But...

I'm still not sure about the future. We'll see what God has in store for me. In the meantime, I'll keep on doing what I'm doing and wait on God. :)

Today, I nearly walked away

Change is in the air. Just as sure as I know my name, I know that some major changes are coming in my life. What does that mean? I really have no idea, but, for some time, I've known that I would not stay at my current job forever. It has bothered me a bit, to be honest. After all, God called me to this job. His fingerprints are all over the job and how He brought me to it, and I know that He has me there for a reason. So when I started having thoughts about moving on (about nine months to a year ago) I thought it was just me and that I was being silly.

Now I'm not so sure.

The past several weeks have really been a struggle for me. Just for the record, I love what I do and have thoroughly enjoyed my job. But I have really been struggling with thoughts of not wanting to do it anymore. The last time I experienced these feelings was when I changed jobs and began to work at my current postition. Needless to say, it's a little scary. I think God may be working in me to prepare me, but for what....I don't know.

So today, I almost quit. No joke. I have never had a week like this one. Without going into too much detail, let's just say it's been stressful. We had a major event yesterday and have another one on Monday. My boss graciously gave me the first half of the day off, so I got into work at lunchtime. Yesterday, there were some problems and we had a little "discussion" at the event that didn't help things (on my end) but we got past that and everything was fine today. I came in and started right to work on getting past yesterday's event. My boss told me what he wanted to get done, so I was working on those things. Toward the end of the day, I was working on stuff for next week when he came to my desk and asked me "How's it looking?" which really means - what are you working on and where are you with it. I got so frustrated. I started to just say "fine" but I just sighed, looked up at him and asked him "what do you want me to tell you?" It wasn't the the question itself that he asked me, it was the way he asked me. Again, I don't want to go into too much detail and beat a dead horse (to quote a friend of mine) but the end result was we got into another "discussion" in which my boss asked me if I enjoyed my job. I told him, "not this week" and he asked me if I wanted to do something else. I actually hesitated for a split second (or two) before I said, "no. I like what I do." But I must admit - I felt very disingenuous.

Now, let me pause and say that I couldn't believe he asked me that question. Truthfully, I do enjoy my job and I have never had so much "trouble" as I've had this week. The guys I work for are very good about telling me how much they appreciate me and thank me on a regular basis for the things I do for them. And, as far as I know, I've never given any indication that I'd rather be somewhere else - because I haven't ever felt that.....until this week.

Anyway, we "had it out", so to speak, and I think we're ok or will be ok. I'm sure once we get past next week's event, we'll have a meeting to discuss this week. My boss likes to discuss things. I'm praying about it - asking God to show me where I was at fault or need to change and how I need to respond to my boss. I don't know what it all means. I've never been this disatisfied with my current job and I don't know for sure where this feeling is coming from. All I do know is this - God let me get absolutely miserable in my last job so that I would even think of looking elsewhere. I don't want to have to get to that point again. If He has somewhere else for me to be, I'm ready to go there. I'll do whatever He wants me to do and go wherever He wants me to go.

In spite of the unease of this week, I know that God is in control. He is doing something within me and perhaps this is just a by-product of that. Everytime there is growth in my spiritual life, every other area of my life is directly affected. My life started changing in major ways when I became the youth director at my church. Only God knows where it will all end up.

The hurricane cometh!

Although I live in central Mississippi, we will feel the effects of the hurricane before the week is out. You would not believe the traffic coming from the south!!! I have a friend from Mobile who was traveling to McComb, MS with her parents last night. She called me around 9:30 to get an update on the weather and told me they had traveled about 2 miles in as many hours! My uncle and aunt left Gautier at 7:30 pm and made it to my parent's house at 5:30 this morning - a trip that would normally be 3 hours, tops!!!! Unbelievable!

It appears this is going to be a very rough storm. Keep all those people who live on the coast in your prayers. I know they all pray they will have a home when it's over.

Spiderman in church

I just love kids. They are truly unique! Today in church, my nephew provided one of those "Kodak moments" for which you wish you had a video or digital camera to record it.

A couple in our church officially joined today, so after giving his intro and speaking to the couple, our pastor asked everyone to stand and extend their hand towards them as he prayed over them. My roommate was standing next to my four-year-old nephew and just happened to look over at him as everyone was extending their hands. She about lost it when she noticed his arm was extended and his hand was in the "spray web" gesture made popular by Spiderman and acted out by kids across this nation pretending to be him.

Of course, she elbowed her sister and she about lost it too. By then, other people on the pew noticed and were chuckling under their breath. What makes it so funny is that he wasn't trying to be funny! He was sincerely reaching his hand out in prayer. It's just that he is such a Spiderman freak, it comes out in the smallest ways. You should see the way he jumps around the house.

Since none of our family actually saw my nephew's actions, we got a good laugh when my roommate shared the story.

A little change

I decided to use the comment feature provided by blogger.com, so any comments left prior to today will not be available. I think this feature will be more functional.

Also - I've enabled the feature that will allow you to email any of my posts to a friend. Go ahead, spread the love! :) Feel free to share any of my wit and wisdom with your friends! Ha!

I highly recommend...

This is the best cd I've listened to in quite some time. It is simply beautiful. The name of the group is "Amici Forever" and the title of the cd is "The Opera Band".

If you like opera, this is a fabulous cd to add to your collection. But - even if you're not really that fond of opera music, I still think you would like this cd. Anyone who loves and can appreciate good music will like this cd. I guarantee it.

How do I know? Well, the only reason I even found this cd was because one of the songs on it was playing in the background at Borders bookstore. It was so incredible, that as I was walking through the music section, I came to a complete stop when I heard it playing. I immediately flagged down a sales associate to tell me what cd was playing. I'm telling you - it is just that good!

Of course, music always speaks to me. I can be in a crowd of hundreds of talking people and still be able to zero in on music that is playing. I thank God for His gift of music in my life. I hope I can pass that along to others in some way.

Don't just do something....sit there!

This was the title of my pastor's message on Sunday. It was based on 1 Samuel 13 where Saul jumps the gun and is disobedient to God because he didn't think things were moving along fast enough. Because of his taking charge and doing things his way, he ended up losing the kingdom and ultimately the presence of God in his life - and didn't even realize when He had left! Yikes! It is another confirmation in my life that God is teaching me to wait....and listen....and trust...and totally surrender everything to Him...and did I mention, wait? I told a friend tonight that I wish God would just quit talking to me (NOT REALLY!) I'm very glad to know that God is speaking to me. Means I'm still "in"! :)

Seriously though, each day that goes by just reinforces what I hear God speaking in my heart. The other day, I posted about surrendering everything to God, but I have since realized that I've just begun that journey. Silly of me to think that it was a one-time "surrendering" and then all would be right in the world. Ha! I now see the foolishness of my wisdom - I don't have as much as I thought I did! Surrendering is a daily, no wait....hourly....oops, wrong again...minute by minute thing! At least for me it is. I will admit, there are stretches of my day where it isn't an issue, but that's usually because at that moment I don't have time to sit around and think about things. I get into trouble when I have free time. :)

Today, we had a staff meeting, and my boss had us pair up and put into practice Romans 12:15, which says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." He asked us to share something we were rejoicing over with our partner and then pray for one another, specifically mentioning them by name. I shared with my co-worker that I am excited by what I see God doing in my life. This whole lesson in trusting and surrendering is exciting to me - even though it is at times painful. Just the other day, I was really struggling. I was feeling depressed and just didn't want to be around others or do anything. So, I started examining my heart to determine what was really the core issue. I made myself think of all the things God has done in my life and began to thank Him for those things. Then I asked myself why was I depressed. The thought went through my head that "Christy" was having a hard time dying. That part of me that has been warring with God over this whole surrender issue was not happy and was making me miserable. All I could do after that was laugh at myself. One of these days, I'll look back over this period of my life and think how silly I was for all of my attitudes and struggles. At least I hope I will. But for now, I am a bit glad for the struggle - it means that something is happening. I guess it really is like childbirth (although I don't know the reality of that experience!) If there wasn't the struggle and pains of labor, there would not be the birth of a child. And, so I'm learning, that is true in our spiritual life as well. If we are not feeling the pain of being outside of our "comfort zone" and having what is comfortable taken from us, then we probably aren't really walking in the path God has set for us.

Anyway, I will continue to learn to sit and wait on God and listen closely for the sound of His still, small voice so that when He does speak, I will be ready to do what He asks. Oh, I can hardly wait! :)

What a nice guy

I live in an interesting neighborhood. It is in a part of town that was once the prime neighborhood of doctors, lawyers and the upper echelon of society. These days, it is the dividing line between the last section of our city that is considered upper class and the ghetto. Literally. I live on a main street - which is always busy - and if you go over a couple of streets in one direction, you can find any type of drug, prostitue and den of iniquity you can imagine. A couple of streets over in the other direction, you'll find some people from the artsy segment of our local society as well as a few doctors, lawyers, young couples just starting out and a rather substantial homosexual population. As I said, it is an interesting neighborhood and I love being a part of it!

So tonight, I went to the grocery store in the center of this neighborhood to pick up a few things. This store is an interesting establishment in itself. Located in the strip next to it is an old-time drug store (that still sells milkshakes in the tall soda glass), an antique store and a novelty store that sells decorative items. I think there may be one other store, but I can't remember for sure. Needless to say, the people who shop at this grocery store tend to be regular visitors - not because the store is modern or offers a wide selection of items - but because it is in a central location. Very convenient. Anyway, because of the neighborhood (remember the rough section of the hood?) every night there is an officer from the Sherrif's department standing guard. The guy is huge! He must be about 6'10", african-american, looks to be in good shape, and is obviously not someone you would want to tie up with. In spite of his appearance, he is the most awesome guy! Every time I go into that store, I've seen him go way beyond his duty as an officer and pitch in and help bag groceries, direct store traffic or tell folks where to find things. Tonight I went in there and the store was way short in staff, so the line began to build up. The man jumped right in there directing those people with just a few items over to the Information Desk to get checked out and was helping to bag people's groceries. I watched him as he talked with several people as he did his thing. There was this old couple in there who he apparantly knew and he yelled out to gentleman, "Hey, Pop!!" It was so cool! What was even more awesome was to see how the other people waiting in line began to smile at each other and went out of their way to be courteous in the difficult circumstances. It was almost like a scene right out of a Norman Rockwell painting! How cool is that?

I'm almost positive the man knows Christ. You don't see people going out of their way like that unless they have a knowledge of true love...the knowledge of a Man who died to save us all. As I was walking out of the store, this officer had resumed his position at the door, so I stopped to tell him how much I appreciated his willingness to go above and beyond the call of duty. What a blessing he was to me because of his actions. I can only hope that I would inspire someone else in the same way.

This could get interesting...

I don't know what God is doing, but He's up to something! I know He's been working in my life, but today our pastor shared that he felt God was telling him we (our congregation) should get ready.

"Ready for what?"

*crickets chirping in the background*

I've also sensed this in my own life. We've been seeing some incredible growth that can only be attributed to a move of God. I mean, we haven't done anything special - except of course, be available to be used by God.

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm in a new place in my walk with God, but today I sensed that I've only scratched the surface. I was driving home, contemplating all the things that have been happening, and reflecting on how I feel like I am in a place of brokenness, when the thought ran through my head - you've only just begun. Yikes! What do you mean?!?!? There's more? Does that mean it will get worse before it gets better? Oh Lord, you've got to be kidding!!!

*no answer*

I know what He's telling me. I guess I should be glad that at least He's given me a "heads up" of sorts. All I can do - or want to do - is cling tightly to Him during this time. Like I said, this could get interesting.

Another first...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In everything you do, acknowledge him and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

For the first time in my life, I am actually able to live this verse. It is a wonderful place to be. I've always tried to trust God and felt like I was giving everything to Him, but I was kidding myself. This past week - I have done it.

I guess it is because I have finally surrendered everything to Him. My heart and mind are now together in understanding my need to depend on God. Does that mean I still don't have moments where I struggle with emotions or my own desires? No, not at all. But now, I have learned to deal with those emotions and desires and place them at the foot of the Cross, and yes - leave them there.

I must have Jesus. I can no longer try to live things my way. I hope I will stay in this place of brokenness. Unfortunately, I know me, and I'm sure I will have to sacrifice myself again, but for now, I am so at peace with my Lord. I know He is taking care of me and I know that I will receive His best blessings in my life.

How awesome it is to be in this place. God is so faithful and true.

One other thing...

I know my posts have been few and far between here lately, but I'm going to be better at keeping up. It's weird how not blogging leaves an empty place, but honestly, I haven't wanted to blog very much. Perhaps I just needed a break from the blogosphere, too!

God is so good

I just wanted to say that I love God more than anything. He has, once again, proven Himself to be so faithful and He has given me everything I need - just when I need it. How can I ever complain??

All praise goes to Him!

Vacation's over.

Well, it's time to go back to work. I wish I didn't have to. I could use another week off!!!! Unfortunately, our schedule at work doesn't allow for that. However, I think I'll be taking some days as soon as I can. I've got some people I need to go visit, so I won't be letting my days get wasted this year!

Anyway, it was good to be off, but I didn't get done hardly any of the things I had planned to do. I've got staff training I have to finish by next Tuesday (the 31st) and I had planned on working on that while I was off. Of course, I didn't even look at it! At this point, I don't even care. I wish I didn't have to do it at all!!! I almost don't even care that I'd get a letter in my personnel file for not getting it done. Almost. So what that means is I'll be working on it every night this week. I think I'll be able to get it finished. In fact, a couple of my staff are supposed to come to the office so I can help them get theirs done. I'll be working right alongside them! Maybe I can get most of it done at work - then my nights will be my own!!

*Sigh* So much to do, and so little time to do it!

There is some good news in my life - the youth group has taken off and seems to be exploding! I had 4 kids last Saturday, and then this weekend I had 10!!! That has to be a record somewhere! :) I am truly excited by what's taking place. It is God's work, I'm just awed that He is letting me go along for the ride! I'll try to post more on "my kids" this week.

I'm so excited!!!

I'm actually on "vacation"! Woohoo! The only bad news is that I'm not on a beach somewhere, listening to the crash of the waves on the shore. :( Nevertheless, it was sooo nice to be able to sleep in today. I won't do that again, but it was nice for once.

I need to get better at taking all of my vacation days. Alas, I will lose several days because I didn't get them in by August 31. However, this next year I will be better. Since I'm the new youth minister for my church, I will have more reasons to need days off....for things like camp, youth trips, etc. I hope we have an exciting year!

Speaking of my youth group - I love them! I see so much potential - for good and bad - and have been praying over them a lot! If I can make a difference in just one of their lives I will be SO happy! They seem to be really excited by what we have going on and I hope it will continue to be exciting for them. At our first meeting, I told them that we weren't meeting just to have something to do. I want them to learn God's purpose for their lives and be able to impact others. Needless to say, it is going to be an interesting year. I believe it!

Well, let me get back to enjoying my "vacation"!

Stop the world, I want to get off!!!

It seems like everything is speeding up! I don't know where all my time goes.

Well, the steroids and antibiotics seems to have worked - as far as stopping the stabbing pain that was going through my left temple. My doctor thinks I probably do have trigeminal neuralgia, but we won't know for sure until I have another spell. (Oh goodness, that sounds so..."old"!) Anyway, I'm disposed to think I do have it, so I can only hope that I don't experience that pain again for a LONG time! It really hurt!

So anyway - in spite of taking antibiotics for 10 days, I now have a head cold and possibly an ear infection! I mentioned it to my doctor when I saw her on Tuesday, and she said that probably means what I have is viral - and there's no treatment. I just have to wait it out. Good grief! I refuse to give in, so I've been going on about my days as usual, but by the end of the day, I'm beat!

Well, let me get back to work. I've got to do some work on my plans for the youth group AND I have about 60-70 hours worth of Staff Training I have to get in before September 1st. It's my own fault - we've had this stuff for over a year now but I never made it a priority - until now - and then only because I'll get a letter put in my personnel file. Eeck! Fortunately, I've got some days off next week. I know what I'll be doing for some of that time!

What a night!

Well, my first youth event is in the bag! It was a ton of fun and I would say a complete success. I accomplished what I set out to do - get acquainted with the young people in my youth group. I feel like I connected in some way with most of them and hope to begin the process of getting to know them better - even those who may not be a "regular" in our group but who will visit with us from time to time. Overall, I am very pleased, but I can see the long road ahead.

More than before, I was made very aware of how much I am going to have to depend on God. Over the past few weeks, I've been going over tons of things in my head - from nailing down our purpose statement (which I think I may have after tonight) all the way to the logisitics of actually ministering to and meeting with these kids and what that will look like. But when we all came together as a group, I realized that I had been making my plans on my understanding of the way things are - of the spiritual depth of each of these kids, of their personalities, of God's plan for their lives, of my response to them...

All of it, of course, was wrong. How could I ever think my understanding would be right? After all, the only thing I knew about most of these kids was what I'd seen of them at church. Duh. With the exception of a couple of the kids, I don't really know anything about their home life, their experience with God or the church, and I certainly don't know what they like or dislike - all of these things (and more) have made them who they are. Only God knows their hearts and His will for their lives.

So all the scenarios and plans I'd been mulling over in my mind have been trashed or at the very least are up for a serious re-examination. I am truly going to have to be open at all times to what God is speaking to me. I may experience something in my day that God wants me to use to reach these kids or that will give me insight into what's happening in their lives. I don't know what it is they need, but He does.

In spite of my discovery, I'm still very excited! I can't wait to see God use these young people to impact others.

What's the deal?

Is it just me or has this been an unusually strange week for everyone? I don't know if it's the drugs I'm taking or just plain being tired, but I can't figure it out. I'm having a hard time even putting my thoughts together about it all.

My mother has two brothers in the hospital with serious health conditions, and we just found out my dad's brother died tonight. This opens up a whole new area of my life I don't really want to deal with yet. My uncle was a diabetic but died from a heart attack. This year had been really tough for him. How does this directly affect me? My dad is also a diabetic, and it is getting more obvious, at least to me and my mom, that his health is slowly dwindling. It is not something we really want to deal with or think about.

I guess it's just another aspect of life, but here in America, we don't really talk about it, do we? With all the advancements in technology and science, we've learned how to extend our lives so that we don't die until we're much older. Unlike other countries, where death is a fact of daily life - either because of poor living/health conditions or war - death in America, for most people, only happens every now and then.

The one thing that comforts me is knowing that my father has given his life to Christ and will be in heaven when he dies. Same thing is true for my mom. I don't know how people without faith in God deal with death. I cannot imagine it. Wouldn't want to imagine it, really.

It's funny, just a little earlier tonight, before I found out about my uncle, I was thinking through this very issue of eternal life and the security I have in knowing Christ. In my mind, while I was eating dinner, I was having a conversation with an unbeliever. It was kind of strange - I wasn't trying to convince the person that I was right or that they were wrong. I was simply telling them that I knew what was in my future and hoped they were sure about their choice. I guess, when it comes down to it, we don't have to convince people of the truth of God's word (since they wouldn't understand it anyway without God revealing it to them.) I just have to be ready to give an answer for the hope I have within me. If I'm living my life to know Christ and His spirit is within me, others will know there is something different about me and be curious as to the cause. I wonder how many people would be "won to the Lord" if more Christians simply lived a life of confidence in their Savior. I've often been challenged by the Holy Spirit as to whether or not I'm going to live like I truly believe God's word - that means even in the small stuff...especially in the small stuff.

Well, it's a lot to ponder and I'm tired. Just wanted to share those thoughts. Be sure to take full advantage of the time you have with those you love. We truly are not guaranteed tomorrow.

Illness was not in my vocabulary, until now

You know how you hear stories of people suffering from one ailment or another and you think, "Awww, that's too bad! I'm glad it's not me!" Well, this time it's me...maybe.

Over the past year, every once in a while, I have experienced a sharp pain shooting along the left side of my head. It would scare me, but I'd wait to see if it would do it again, and when it didn't happen, I'd go on about my day. Well, this weekend, it happened, once....twice....three times....I really began to be concerned. On top of that, I had a headache which lasted all weekend. So I decided I'd better get it checked out.

I went to see my physician - actually she's a nurse practitioner, but I really like her. Anyway, I go see my healthcare provider, tell her my symptoms and she lays a new medical term on me I'd not ever heard before. She tells me I might have trigeminal neuralgia. It is a disorder which affects the trigeminal nerve of the cranium. In plain english, the largest nerve on the side of my head is being irritated for some reason. To be accurate, I haven't been officially diagnosed as having the disorder, but the more I read about it and the more time that goes by causes me to believe she could be right. Currently, I'm taking steroids (which have left me feeling sick to my stomach until tonight) and antibiotics (which she prescribed today as a result of my labwork - my white blood count is elevated a little.)

Come to find out, my mother's aunt had this problem, also known as tic douloureaux, and had to have the nerve in her face cut to keep from being in pain. Evidently, her episodes would happen over several days and would lay her low for at least a week. According to my healthcare provider, it is something that is hereditary. Great.

Uggh! Did I mention I hate being ill? I am not a good patient and I don't like people, in general, when I don't feel well. I'm just glad most of the guys were out of the office today. :)

So my biggest frustration right now is just not knowing for sure what's wrong. I've had the shooting pains several times over the past couple of days and if they continue, I'll be going back to the doctor tomorrow. I'm praying that it's nothing and is just some freak thing, but even if it is trigeminal neuralgia, I hope that God will heal me of it. If not, I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it and learn how to be nice to people when I'm suffering. ;)

Out of the mouth of babes....

I just love kids! Especially my brother's (since I don't have any of my own!)

Tonight I went with my sister-in-law and the kids to VBS (Vacation Bible School) at the church we all used to attend. Some friends of mine are directing and teaching at the Bible school, so I called my sister-in-law to see if she wanted to take the kids. We decided to go!

The kids had a blast and we had a great time watching them! I have mixed emotions and thoughts about VBS these days. It's probably because of my issues with "religion" and anything "religious". I can't stand the thought of doing something just because it's always been done, and sometimes I feel that VBS falls into that category.

Anyway, I just felt like it was something good for the kids and that's why I suggested it to my sister-in-law. They've never experienced anything like it.

So tonight, on the way back to their house, I asked the kids what they had learned in their class. I knew they talked about Paul, so I asked what they had learned about him.

"They put him in a bakset," replied Mackenzie.

"And what did they do with him then?" I asked.

"Threw him out the window," says Hannah.

My sister-in-law and I about died laughing! In case you're not sure why, the real story is that in order to save Paul, his friends lowered him in a basket down the outside wall of the city. Needless to say, we had a blast. I was reminded of how precious and wonderful kids are and I can understand why Jesus would want them around Him. It makes me wonder what funny things were said by the children He held on His lap.