Reality check

I was minding my own business, on my way to Office Max to get some stuff for our board meeting tonight, when all of a sudden, I had this thought...."you really are a weenie."

Yeah, that's right, I'm a weenie.

I was talking with someone the other day who is considering working on a cruise ship for a couple of months during the summer. My first reaction to that was "how cool!" And then I thought, "but man, I sure would miss my family, friends and church!" So today as I was driving along, I was thinking about my friend's opportunity and wishing I didn't have student loans to pay off so I could do it too. And then, I thought "if I was away from all that is familiar, would I be as strong of a Christian as I or my friends think I am?" The answer to that is "I don't know." I don't know that I could withstand all the temptations that are out there "in the world." Let's face it, I still live a somewhat sheltered life. All of my close friends and family are believers, I work for a Christian organization and most nights, I stay at home.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and be real honest: I don't know that I have enough discipline in my spiritual life to carry me out into the "real world." I don't get into the Word enough - although I'm trying to rectify that. I don't spend a lot of time really talking to God - or more importantly, listening to God. I've been coasting along on "reserve". You know - all the Bible knowledge I have at this moment (which is probably only the tip of the Bible-knowledge iceberg), the strength I gain from my friends and the work I do. I mean, it has only been in the last few years that I've begun to really understand the difference between knowing God and having a relationship with Him.

As I was facing the reality of my own spirituality, I wondered if, perhaps, God has wanted to use me for something but didn't open the opportunity because He knew I wasn't strong enough or disciplined enough to handle it. That was a sobering thought.

I can't spend time worrying about all the "what if's" now. I just know I've got to put Christ front and center in my life. Oh, don't get me wrong, He has been the majority of my "life", but I'm beginning to examine whether or not He has been my Life. I want that to change. It's so much easier to just go along with things as they've always been, but it's time for a change.

My pastor made the comment the other day that we've become too formal in our services. Maybe a better way to explain it is distant. I've become too distant in my own walk, satisfied to maintain the status quo. I'm sure that has contributed to the type of services we've had a church. I want to be free.....free to do whatever God asks of me.

I'm not sure how to change me, except that I need to get into God's Word and let His Word get into me. It has the power to change and so that is where I will begin. I know God has been telling me to dig into His Word. I don't understand why I've had such a hard time "doing" just that, but I have. I know that some incredible things are in store for me....but I won't see them happen (whatever they are) until I do this part first.

"Lord, I need your help to overcome myself. I've been my own worst enemy when it comes to knowing You more. Keep shining the Light of your Truth in my life and help me to face those dark corners only you know about so that I may live in true abandon, unfettered by the fear caused by those dark places, to worship You."

Amen.